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广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试

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广东女子职业技术学院毕业生自我鉴定范文最新原创
篇一:广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试

最新广东女子职业技术学院 毕业生自我鉴定

原创范文

===个人原创,绝非网络复制,有效避免雷同==

四年的大学生活转瞬即逝,转眼之间,作为×××专业(改成自己在广东女子职业技术学院的专业)的我即将告别大学生活,告别亲爱的同学和敬爱的老师,告别我的母校——广东女子职业技术学院。美好的时光总是太短暂,也走得太匆匆。如今站在临毕业的门坎上,回首在广东女子职业技术学院×××专业(改成自己在广东女子职业技术学院的专业)学习和生活的点点滴滴,感慨颇多,有过期待,也有过迷茫,有过欢笑,也有过悲伤。现将在广东女子职业技术学院的学习和生活情况作自我鉴定如下:

在×××专业(改成自己在广东女子职业技术学院的专业)老师的教诲下,在广东女子职业技术学院同学们的帮助下,通过不断地学习×××专业(改成自己在广东女子职业技术学院的专业)理论知识和参与专业实践活动,本人×××专业(改成自己在广东女子职业技术学院的专业)素质和个人能力得到了提高,完全符合广东女子职业技术学院对×××专业学生的毕业要求。

在思想品德方面:在广东女子职业技术学院×××专业(改成自己在广东女子职业技术学院的专业)就读期间自觉遵守《广东女子职

广东女子职业技术学院
篇二:广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试

中央财政支持高等职业学校专业建设发展项目

电子商务专业建设方案

广东女子职业技术学院

2011年10月

1

项目:电子商务专业建设方案

一、行业背景与建设基础 ........................................................... 4

(一)行业背景与人才需求 ................................................................................................................ 4

(二)建设基础 .................................................................................................................................... 6

(三)存在的问题和不足 .................................................................................................................. 10

二、专业建设目标与建设思路 ...................................................... 10

(一)建设目标 .................................................................................................................................. 10

(二)建设思路 .................................................................................................................................. 10

三、建设内容 ................................................................... 12

(一)加强政校企合作办学的体制机制创新 .................................................................................. 12

(二)与企业合作继续探索和完善“虚实结合,三级递进”人才培养模式 .............................. 13

(三)凝聚10家院校实力和经验,进行专业标准和课程标准开发研究 .................................... 14

(四)以职业岗位能力需求为依据,进行课程建设与改革 .......................................................... 15

(五)建立生产性校内外实训基地 .................................................................................................. 18

(六)加强师资队伍建设,与行业企业共同打造省级优秀教学团队 .......................................... 19

(七)创建可共享的电子商务专业资源库 ...................................................................................... 21

(八)专业群建设 .............................................................................................................................. 22

(九)强化社会服务功能建设 .......................................................................................................... 24

四、经费预算 ................................................................... 25

五、预期效益 ................................................................... 25

2

项目:电子商务专业建设方案

项目建设组组长:

杨 军 (经贸系 系主任)

黄文标 (广东省电子邮政局 局长)

古建中 (深圳同和工贸公司 总经理)

项目建设组副组长:

郭小洁 (经贸系 系副主任)

佟松林 (经贸系 专业主任 专业带头人)

王 锋 (广东省电子邮政局 副局长)

杨庆春 (广州德易计算机科技有限公司 高级工程师)

项目建设组成员:

陈义文 (校内专任教师 副教授 专业带头人)

廖红文 (校内专任教师 副教授 骨干教师)

林 艳 (校内专任教师 副教授)

钟志锋 (校内专任教师 讲师)

陈永遥 (校内专任教师 讲师)

魏 巍 (校内专任教师 讲师)

陈木来 (广东省电子商务认证有限公司 系统分析员)

马 丽 (中国人寿保险公司广东省分公司 培训师)

罗嘉文 (广州讯羽通信技术有限公司 总经理)

刘全中 (华之杰企业家法律教练国际有限公司/香港企业注册中心 律师)邹庆宏 (苛特杰咨询服务有限公司 人力资源师)

吴狄雄 (深圳同和工贸公司 主管)

3

一、行业背景与建设基础

(一)行业背景与人才需求

1.行业概况

“十一五”,是我国电子商务腾飞的五年,在这五年当中,电子商务产业实现了从新兴产业到国民经济重要组成部分的转变;一批专门从事电子商务的公司,如阿里巴巴等,成为世界领先的企业;诸如“团购”等新的商务模式不断诞生又不断爆发式增长;各类型的企业纷纷“触网”,开展基于电子商务的销售、采购或服务;为电子商务发展而服务的产业,如物流、支付产业迅速发展;使用电子商务进行购物的消费者从“尝鲜”的模式,向“依赖”转变。

从工信部牵头包括发改委等9部委联合制定的电子商务“十二五”规划初稿中,我们了解到,面对金融危机,电子商务逆势上扬,逐渐成为经济发展的新亮点。因此在“十二五”规划中,对于电子商务的发展目标将有更高的预期。而与“十一五”不同的是,“十二五”期间,电子商务被列入战略性新兴产业的重要组成部分,作为新一代信息技术的分支将是下一阶段信息化建设的重心。此外,电子商务的应用领域也将进一步拓宽。首先,物联网、云计算等新兴技术也将被应用到电子商务之中。其次,在支撑体系建设部分,电子认证、电子支付、现代物流、标准体系、信用体系等都将被纳入其中。

作为全国电子商务三大中心之一的珠三角正面临着产业升级的紧要关头,而电子商务的成功对中小企业、对广东的经济发展意义重大。我们在广东省电子商务协会调研时,秘书长黄伟群就指出,“广东电子商务最大的优势在于其是全国乃至全球最大的制造业基地,其中小企业的数量占全国的1/3,全国形成规模的产业集群就达到123个,这是电子商务巨头发展会员客户的最大根基。” 正是看中了广东的中小企业资源,阿里巴巴在2010年提出未来25%以上的投资将放在珠三角地区,抢占中国南方电子商务市场。

2010年,广州被评为“中国电子商务最具创新活力城市奖”。“十一五”期间,广州全市重点企业网上采购和销售总额预计达5095.62亿元,居全国前三,省内第一。网络购物消费额约65亿元,居全国城市前五位,占社会消费品零售总额的1.7%。“十二五”伊始,广州市也雄心勃勃召开“2011年广州市电子商务发展座谈会”,会上初步敲定,广州每年将设20亿元战略新兴产业专项资金,重点扶持“电子商务”等新一代技术产业。广州电子商务“十二五”的发展目标主要包括:开展电子商务的企业超过85%,电子商务交易额达到8000亿元,占企业交易总额比重的60%。网络购物交易额占社会消费品零售总额比重提升到8%。扶持2家以上电子商务企业销售收入跻身国内前十,上市企业达到10家,电子商务服务业收入达500亿元。

2.人才需求

公开资料显示,仅2008年,中国新增的电子商务人才需求就超过230万,2009年、2010年又分别在前一年的基础上大幅增长。以卓越为例,2010年,公司在前端零售组4

织就招聘了超过320名员工,而在前年,这一数字仅为120人左右,增长了150%。有专家预测,未来10年,中国电子商务专业人才缺口至少在200万,这一数字还不包括整个电子商务生态链的诸多岗位人才需求。我国每年平均需要电子商务人才20多万人。而我国大约有1000所高校(其中高职院校约700所)开设电子商务专业,每年输送电子商务专业人才只有8~10万人。

广东省电子商务“十一五”发展规划指出,当前制约广东电子商务发展的一个主要障碍是电子商务人才缺乏,主要是三方面的人才,一是电子商务模式设计、战略规划的管理人才,二是电子商务市场运作和营销的管理人才,三是电子商务信息系统建设、咨询和项目实施的管理人才。

广东省,特别是珠三角经济的特点主要是民营企业发达、中小企业、家族企业、个体企业数量惊人。据统计,广东省目前有企业190万户,个体企业78万户,民营企业30多万家,两者占企业总量的57%,民营企业创造的工业产值,对全省工业产值增长的贡献率为23%,拉动工业产值增长6%。这一数据必然决定了企业对电子商务人员的大量需求。

电子商务专业的人才培养方案明确指出,我们的培养目标是:培养面向中小企业的高素质高技能应用型女性人才,而且,电子商务专业毕业生98%以上在广东省中小企业中就业,2010年我们对广东省中小企业的电子商务人才需求情况进行了调研,历时1个月,随机向能够上网的在广东省中小企业工作的280名毕业生进行了在线问卷调查。除网上在线调查外,还对该年来我院招聘的企业单位、走访的毕业生就业单位、企业专家和专业指导委员会专家进行访谈,从而获得广东省电子商务人才需求的第一手资料和信息。

(1)中小企业电子商务人才需求量情况

调查中发现,有44家企业明确表示有电子商务人才需求,占被调查企业的50%。可见中小企业电子商务人才需求是普遍的。60%被走访的中小企业表示,未来一年中暂时不会增加新人。不增加新员工的原因的主要原因是经济危机导致中小企业尽量不增加人员开支。但随着经济形势不断好转,电子商务人才需求量会急剧提升。

(2)中小企业对电子商务人才素质要求

随着信息技术在国际贸易和商业领域的广泛应

用,利用计算机技术、网络通信技术和因特网实现

商务活动的国际化、信息化和无线化已成为各国商

务发展的一大趋势。电子商务对人才素质的要求已

经定位为专业性和综合性相结合的复合型人才。

在学历层次上看,被调查的中小企业一致认为:

做电子商务,中专层次有点低、研究生很难留下,

5

【高职自招】高职自主招生学业水平成绩要求汇总丨你要有多少个C
篇三:广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试

【高职自招】高职自主招生学业水平成绩要求汇总丨你要有多少个C

文章来源:找读网

广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试。

广东女子职业技术学院优秀个人简历
篇四:广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试

院 校:广东女子职业技术学院 专 业: ×××专业学 历:本 科姓 名:杜宗飞 ……………………….…………………………………………………………………

一份菜鸟也修改的简历模板

手 机:

E – mail:

地 址:广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试。

唯图设计因为专业,所以精美。

为您的求职锦上添花,Word自荐信

版欢迎下载。

尊敬的领导:

您好!今天我怀着对人生事业的追求,怀着激动的心情向您毛遂自荐,希望您在百忙之中给予我片刻的关注。

我是广东女子职业技术学院×专业的2015届毕业生。广东女子职业技术学院四年的熏陶,让我形成了严谨求学的态度、稳重踏实的作风;同时激烈的竞争让我敢于不断挑战自己,形成了积极向上的人生态度和生活理想。

在大学四年里,我积极参加广东女子职业技术学院×专业学科相关的竞赛,并获得过多次奖项。在各学科竞赛中我养成了求真务实、努力拼搏的精神,并在实践中,加强自己的创新能力和实际操作动手能力。

在广东女子职业技术学院就读期间,刻苦进取,兢兢业业,每个学期成绩能名列前茅。特别是在广东女子职业技术学院×专业必修课都力求达到90分以上。在平时,自学一些关于广东女子职业技术学院*本专业相关知识,并在实践中锻炼自己。在工作上,我担任广东女子职业技术学院*01班班级班长、学习委员、广东女子职业技术学院*协会部长等职务,从中锻炼自己的社会工作能力。

我的座右铭是“我相信执着不一定能感动上苍,但坚持一定能创出奇迹”!广

东女子职业技术学院求学的艰辛磨砺出我坚韧的品质,不断的努力造就我扎实的知识,传统的熏陶塑造我朴实的作风,青春的朝气赋予我满怀的激情。手捧菲薄求职之书,心怀自信诚挚之念,期待贵单位给我一个机会,我会倍加珍惜。广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试。

下页是我的个人履历表,期待面谈。希望贵单位能够接纳我,让我有机会成为你们大家庭当中的一员,我将尽我最大的努力为贵单位发挥应有的水平与才能。

此致

敬礼! 自荐人:××× 2015年11月12日广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试。

1

毕业综合测评成绩

2

英语幽默笑话带翻译
篇五:广东女子职业技术学院,学业水平测试

1、 "Guns Buried in the Garden An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."一个老人独居在北爱尔兰,他的独生子正在坐牢。老人想在花园里种些土豆,但不知道谁可以帮忙把泥土翻松。他写信想儿子提及此事,儿子回信说道:“看在上帝的面上,千万不要翻松花园的泥土,我把枪埋在那儿了。”第二天凌晨4点,一队英国士兵出现在老人家中,在花园把土地翻遍,但并没有找到任何枪支。” 老人写信告诉儿子这件奇怪的事情,问到底发" 生了什么事情,下 一步应 该怎 么 做。 儿子回信 道:“ 你 只管 种土 豆好 了。”

2、 "An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?""Sure. That's easy," said one man."What is it?""H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.""What, what?" reasked the instructor."H to O," explained the chemistry expert.生化战争课的老师在课堂上问士兵们:“谁知道水的分子式?”“当然,太简单了。”一个士兵回答道。“是什么?”“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”“什么,什么?”老师又问道。“H to O,”化学专家解释道。"

3、 "Frog The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."老师正在给学生上生物课:“现在,我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙。”接着,他把手伸进口袋,却拿出了一份鸡肉三文治。老师满脸困惑地看了一眼,沉思了一会儿,说道:“真奇怪。我明明记得我已经把午饭吃掉了。”"

4、 "After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"和盲约对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说:“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地!”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了!”"

5、 "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything.""That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说:“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了,保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”“这太巧了,”工程师说,“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了,保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”律师看起来有些困惑,“你是怎么引起洪水的?”他不解的问。"

6、 The Indian Who Could Foretell the Weather Two men were travelling in a very wild and lonely part of America. For days they had not even seen a house, only a few huts made of wood, or tents made of skins. Then one day they met an old Indian who earned his living by trapping animals for heir fur. They found that he knew their language and they had a little conversation with him. One of them asked him if he could tell them what the weather would be like within the next few days. “Oh yes,”he said.“Rain is coming, and wind.Then there will be snow for two days, but after that there will be bright sunshine.” “Is n't that wonderful?” said one man to his friend.“These old Indians know more of the secrets of Nature than we do with all our science. They have not been spoiled by civilization.” Then he turned to the old Indian. “Tell me,”he said,“how you knew all that.” The Indian replied,“I heard it on the radio.”有两个人在美洲一个非 常荒凉偏僻的地区 旅行。 好多 天 来, 他们连所 房子也 没看 到, 只看 见几 个木棚子和皮帐篷。一天,他们遇到一个靠猎取兽皮谋生的印第安老人。他们发现他懂得他们的语言,就和他聊了一会儿。其中一个人问他,能否告知近几天的天气如何。 “哦,行啊”,他说。“就要下雨了,还要刮风。接着还得下两天雪。这以后,就是大晴天了。” “这不是太神奇了吗?”一个旅行者对他的朋友说。“这些印第安老人深知大自然的秘密,比我们有科学知识的人知道的还多。他们并没有被现代文明所迷惑。”接着他转向印第安老人: “请问,”他说,“你是怎么知道这一切的呢?” 印第安老人答道:“我是从无线电里听来的。”

7、 "Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store. "How much are the apples?" he asked the store."Six for five cents." "But I don't want six apples." "How many apples do you want?" "It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic." "What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man."Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay" you."Bill picked out a goo "d apple," began to eat "it," and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.比尔是一个好学生,也是个聪明的孩子。他喜欢学数学,课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。有一天,在上学路上,比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着:“苹果--五美分六个。”比尔脑筋一转,进了店门。 “苹果怎么卖?” “五美分六个。” “但我不想要六个。” “你想要几个?” “这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。” “数学问题?你说这话是什么意思?”“你看,如果六个苹果五美分,那么五个苹果四美分,四个苹果三美分,三个苹果二美分,二个苹果一美分,一个苹果就不要钱。我只要一个苹果,如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话,那我也就没必要给你钱了。”比尔拣了一个好苹果,开始吃了起来,然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊地望着这个小男孩,一句话也说不出来。

8、 "I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldn't resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "That's not bad for a man of my age."  Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?"我称赞我的一个同事减肥10磅。可是,我禁不住夸耀说我17岁时,体重225磅,而目前体重是224磅。我还说:“这对我这样年龄的男子来说,是不错的。”   一个女子听到了这些话,她说道:“你是说你花了这么长时间才减了1磅?”"

9、 ""Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”他从头到脚打量打量她,然后大声说:“太太,我有三件事要对你说。第一,您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二,如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红,您的美貌将会改变。第三,我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”"

10、 "Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假。这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的。”"

11、 My uncle has 1000 men under him.He is really somebody. What does he do?A maintenance man in a cemetery.我叔叔下面有1000个人。他真是一个大人物。干什么的?墓地守墓人。

12、 "A man who sold brooms went into a barber’s shop to get shaved. The barber brought one of his brooms. After he had shaved him, he asked for the price of the brooms.“Two pence,” said the man.“No, no,” said the barber. “I will give you a penny, and if you don’t think that is enough, you may take your broom back!”The man took it and asked what he had to pay his shave.“A penny,” said the barber.“I will give you a half penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again.”一个卖扫帚的人去理发店修面。理发师从他那里买了一把扫帚。当理发师给他修面后,问一下他扫帚的价格。买扫帚的人说:“两个便士。”“不,不。”理发师说:“ 我只出一个便士,如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去。”卖扫帚的人拿回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱。“一便士。”理发师说。卖扫帚的人说:“我给你半个便士,如果不够的话,请把我的胡子还给我。”"

13、 "After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"和盲约对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说:“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地!”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了!”"

14、 "When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?""Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."由于我的打印机不能打印出清晰的字来,我就打电话给维修部。电话是一位非常和蔼的男人接的,他说我的打印机也许只是需要清理一下。他还说,如果让维修部清理的话要交50英镑的清理费,让我最好看看使用手册自己试着清理。当时我真的被他的话感动了,就问他:“你们老板知道你这样拒绝生意么?”“事实上,这就是我们老板的主意,”雇员答道:“因为如果我们让用户先自行修理打印机的话就能挣更多的钱。”"

15、 "Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer."You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him. He is listening though."Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?"每个星期天牧师都会把孩子们叫到教堂前面,然后给他们讲一个故事。一天,他为了更好地阐述祈祷的含义,带来了一台电话机。“你们和别人在电话里交谈,并没有看到电话线另一端的人,对吗?”他开始问道。孩子们点头称是。“好的,和上帝交谈就象通过电话交谈一样。他就在另一端,虽然你看不见他,但是他正在聆听你的心声。”就在这时,一个小男孩尖着嗓子问道:“那他的电话号码是什么?”"

16、 "Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today. It works like this, she said. Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poetRobert Burns, for instance. She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns. Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman, a bobby in flames. See? Bobby Burns! I see what you mean, said the class know it all. But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。这个系统是这样的,她说,假定你要记住一个诗人的名字,例如,要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯,让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象,燃烧着的警察。明白吗?警察燃烧! 我明白你的意思,班上的万事通说,但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢?"

17、 "A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.律师的狗,没有拴而到处闲逛,它来到一家肉店,偷走了一块 烤肉。店主来到律师的办公室,问道“如果一条没栓的狗从我的商店里偷了块肉,我有权利从狗的主人那里要回损失吗?律师答道:“完全可以”,“那你欠我 8.50美元,你的狗没栓而且今天从我的店里头了块肉”,律师什么都没说,马上给他写了一张支票。一些天后,店主打开邮箱,发现一封来自律师的信,信上写 道:咨询费250美元。"

18、 "George Ⅲ asked the once wellknown wit, Horne Tooke,whether he could play cards.Your Majesty, replied Tooke, I am a mere childwhere cards are concerned. I cannot even tell a King from a Knave.乔治三世问一度大名鼎鼎的才子霍恩·图克,会不会玩纸牌。陛下,图克回答说:在玩纸牌方面,我只不过是幼儿园的水平。我甚至分不清国王和无赖。"

19、 "A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.""But ,officer, I ….""I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."大街上的一个超速驾驶者被警察拦住了。“但是警官”这个人说道,“我可以解释的”。“保持安静”,警察突然说道。“我将把你送往监狱,直到长官回来。“但是,警察,我……”。“我说过了保持安静,你要到监狱了。”几小时后,警察向监狱里看了看说道“算你运气好,因为我们的长官正在他女儿的婚礼上。他将带着一个愉快的心情回来的。”“你确定”在牢房里的这个人说道。“我就是新郎呀”。"

20、 "the was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, I'll never make way for a fool. But I will, with that Goethe retreated aside.一次,歌德正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步,碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。两人都停了下来,彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道:我从来不给傻瓜让路。 可我给,说完歌德退到了一边。"

21、 "Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.律师:你说你离事故现场约有35英尺,你能看清多远的东西?证人:这么说吧,早上起床后我看见太阳,别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。"

22、 "Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year."He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.""No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!""Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."杰克到一所大学去学历史。第一学期结束时,历史课教授没让他及" 格,校让他退学 。然而, 杰克 的 父亲 决定去见 教授, 强 烈要 求让 杰克 继续来年的学业。“他是个好孩子,”杰克的父亲说,“您要是让他这次及格,我相信他明年会有很大进步,学期结束时,他一定会考好的。”“不,不,那不可能,”教授马上回答,“你知道吗?上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的,他都不知道。”“先生,请再给他一次机会吧。”杰克的父亲说,“你不知道,恐怕是因为我们家没有订报纸,我们家的人连拿破仑病了都不知道。”

23、 "A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"Little Johnny then stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"一个老师在对学生们讲心理学,“谁认为自己蠢就站起来?”她一开始就说。小约翰尼站了起来。“你认为你很蠢吗,小约翰尼?”老师问。“不是的,老师,我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”"

24、 A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.一天,教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷,然后回到讲台前等待。考试结束了,学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票,还有一张纸条写着:"一分一块钱。"第二堂课,教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。

25、 "Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴,和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提--他的身高。或者,我应该说,他是有点矮!一天,经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入,高声说,“有人拿了我的钱包!”我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声,但有人却蹦出一句话:“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊”!"

26、 "A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!"母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去,她立刻将他抱起,头朝下不停地拍打他的后背,他咳出了两枚一角的硬币,她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道: “你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币,可咳出两枚一角的硬币!我该怎么办呢?”孩子他爸大声回答道:“再喂他几枚镍币!”"

27、 One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas,the greatFrench novelist,with his ancestry. “Why,” snarled the fellow,“you are a quadroon;yourfather was a mulatto,and your grandfather was a negro.” “Yes,” roared Dumas,“and,if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact, my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”有一天,一个人在嘲弄法国大小说家亚历山大·仲马,讥笑他的祖先。 那家伙厉声说:“唔,你是四分之一黑白混血儿,你父亲是黑白混血儿,而你的祖父是个黑人。” “是的,”仲马大声回敬:“还有呢,如果你想知道的话, 我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其实我的血统起始于你的血统终止的地方。”

28、 "A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.""But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.""Wait a minute," roared

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