【www.myl5520.com--活动总结】
文明祭祀活动主持词
篇一:文明祭祀天堂寄语活动方案word
倡导文明祭祀活动主持词
尊敬的各位领导、广大居民朋友们：
大家，上午好！
感谢大家来参加****、弘宇道德教育志愿者服务队联合主办的第65个世界卫生日、文明祭祀宣传活动。
**是我们共同的家园，建设繁荣美丽、文明和谐的**是广大市民的共同心愿。只有文明的市民，才有文明的城市。
魅力**，文明先行。为巩固全国文明城市、国家卫生城市、国家园林城市、国家环保模范城市创建成果，不断提升市民文明素质，培育良好文明风向。
我们今天活动的主题是“积极行动起来，为四城联创增光添彩。倡导文明祭祀，树立时代新风，弘扬道德教育，爱我和谐中华”。
现在宣布活动正式开始
一、下面有请***弘宇道德教育志愿者，宣读《文明祭祀倡议书》。
二、有请***弘宇道德教育志愿者表演手语歌《中华民族》。
三、播放民政部门《关于做好2014年清明节工作的通知》、《关于党员
干部带头推动殡葬改革的意见》。
四、播放正能量歌曲《中华民族》、《三德歌》、《好人就身边》、《感恩》、
《国家》、《祖国不会忘记你》、《让爱传出去》。
五、最后请志愿者们为大家发放《**市民文明手册》，《倡议书》等，
由相关人员为大家讲解世界卫生日、病毒传播的疾病、文明祭祀等方面相关知识。
2016年北湖路社区清明节文明祭祀宣传活动方案
篇二:文明祭祀天堂寄语活动方案word
2016年北湖路社区清明节文明祭祀宣传活动方案
国家将清明节纳入国家法定节日，这充分体现了党中央、国务院对民族民间传统文化的高度重视，这同时也是中华民族文明演进的宿影和象征。为了确保今年群众清明祭扫活动、文明、和谐、有序，中央宣传部、民政部等八部委发出了《关于做好文明祭扫平安清明相关通知》，要求各地在总结清明节工作经验的基础上，继续围绕“文明祭扫、平安祭扫”的主题，做好今年清明节期间相关工作。
一、活动目标
(一)、终极目标：倡导文明祭扫、树立文明新风
(二)、直接目标：文明祭祀天堂寄语活动方案word。
通过开展活动，进一步提高社区居委会和居民的关系、居民和居民之间的关系，提升社区的凝聚力和居民对社区的归属感。
二、具体活动方案
(一)、宣传阶段
1、宣传目的：通过清明节前一段时间进行宣传，让居民能够比较详细的了解到我们清明节社区将会实施的活动。
2、宣传时间：4月1日一天
3、工作人员：社区居委会工作人员、志愿者
4、具体步骤：
(1)、准备宣传栏内的海报。海报的主要内容是清明节文明祭扫的相关事项，以及清明节期间社区将举行的活动，还有由于烧香烛、纸钱、燃放鞭炮等而引发的事故案例，以警示人们。
(2)、联系志愿者。工作人员向志愿者介绍活动，在宣传期间，志愿者也在其生活圈内帮忙宣传。志愿者还要帮助社区居民解读相关内容，协助社区工作人员与专业义工的工作。
(3)、向重点对象宣传。重点对象包括：社区有威望的老人、老党员、以前企业、单位的干部。希望他们以威信带动他人参加活动。
(4)、向青少年进行宣传。由于青少年接受新事物的能力比较强，并且青少年对家长乃至家庭的影响都比较大，通过对青少年的宣传可以达到对社区及社会的宣传。
(5)、制作宣传单。宣传单上的内容包括国家八部委发出的关于清明节的通知的相关内容，部分清明节知识，社会工作的理念及知识等。
5、活动需要的工具：
(1)、海报纸;宣传单
(2)、鲜花、小白花、应急药品
(二)实施阶段
1、活动主题：倡导文明祭扫，树立文明新风
2、活动目的：通过让居民参与文明祭扫的相关活动，改变传统的祭扫方式，达到人、自然、社会的和谐
3、活动时间：4月1日
4、活动组织人员：社区居委会工作人员、社区志愿者
5、活动对象：辖区居民
6、活动地点：兴旺步行街口
7、所需活动工具：前期准备的横幅、宣传单、笔、桌子、鲜花、小白花等。文明祭祀天堂寄语活动方案word。
(三)总结阶段
活动后，针对活动开展的整个过程进行总结，讨论活动的成功与不足之处，为下次开展活动积累经验。
社区我们的节日.清明活动实施方案
篇三:文明祭祀天堂寄语活动方案word
黄花井社区开展“我们的节日.清明”
主题活动实施方案
清明节是我国最重要的传统节日之一，它不仅是人们祭奠祖先缅怀先人的节日，也是中华民族认祖归宗的纽带，更是一个远足踏青、亲近大自然的季节。
为认真贯彻落实党的十八大精神，弘扬中华传统文化，不断提升辖区居民的思想道德素质，着力营造文明和谐的社会环境，我社区按照上级部门要求，决定在全社区内开展“我们的节日.清明节”活动。
一、指导思想
以十八大精神及十八大三中、四中全会精神重要思想为指导，深入贯彻落实科学发展观，紧紧围绕清明节寻根祭祖的民间传统习俗，结合未成年人思想道德建设，进行革命传统教育和爱国主义教育。
二、活动内容
我社区以“文明祭祀、绿色清明”为主题，结合本社区实际，开展不同形式的活动，弘扬清明节—“传递亲情、传承文化”的丰富内涵。
1、组织社区居民和学生在4月5日开展“缅怀革命先烈、继承革命传统”群众性纪念活动，引导人们继承先烈遗志、珍惜幸福生活。
2、开展“文明祭扫，平安清明”文明祭祀宣传活动。一是印发“文明祭祀，绿色清明”倡议书，大力倡导现代感恩理念、
文明缅怀方式。二是社区开展“文明祭祀”公益宣传活动，通过发放“文明祭祀”宣传材料等方式，引导居民移风易俗，开展“文明祭扫”活动，三是各学校要发挥好家长学校的教育引导作用，劝导家长文明祭祀。
3、开展“绿色清明”志愿服务活动。一是开展“文明祭祀”志愿劝导活动，防止因燃放鞭炮、焚香烧纸引发的火灾隐患和环境污染。二是开展踏青旅行活动，4月5日前组织居民、工作人员去千梯山举行文明踏青活动。
4、开展清明节“植树栽绿”活动。发动广大群众积极开展义务植树栽绿等活动。
5、开展清明诗词吟诵活动。以各中小学为重点，以诵读经典和红歌演唱的方式敬先贤、颂先烈，感受传统文化的魅力。
三、 活动要求
1、统一思想，加强领导。我社区要把“清明节”活动作为精神文明建设的一件大事，摆上重要日程，制定方案、精心组织，积极参与。
2、广泛宣传，营造氛围。社区充分利用墙报、标语、 板报等采取多种形式和途径，进行宣传，引导居民文明祭祀，进一步倡导文明新风，把节日氛围造浓。
文明祭祀活动总结
篇四:文明祭祀天堂寄语活动方案word
凉水中学
“文明祭祀、绿色清明”活动
总 结
在清明节到来之际，为大力培育和践行社会主义核心价值观，推进创建文明城市进程，营造洁净、环保、文明的生活环境，根据教育局号召县文明办《关于开展“文明祭祀、绿色清明”活动通知》的要求，我们学校认真制定活动方案，积极组织学生了开展“文明祭祀、绿色清明”教育活动。 4月3日组织各班级开展“文明祭祀、绿色清明”主题班会。班会结束后组织部分团员到学校周围张贴了有关“文明祭祀、绿色清明”的宣传标语。
为了更好的开展这次教育活动，增强学生对传统精神和文化的认同感，热爱民族精神和文化，主动地传承和弘扬，4月4日清明节这天我校开展了文明祭扫烈士墓活动。
通过活动加强学生对清明节这一传统节日的认识和了解，教育学生从中感受中华民族传统文化内涵，增进学生缅怀先烈、热爱祖国的情感。
使学生进一步认识到：清明祭祖扫墓，是中华民族慎终追远、敦亲睦族及行孝品德的具体表现；自古以来，清明扫墓不仅是纪念自己的祖先，对历史上为人民立过功，做过好事的人物，人民都会纪念他。文明祭祀天堂寄语活动方案word。
4月8日我校利用升国旗仪式，学生代表宣读了题目为“倡导绿色祭奠，树立文明风尚” 的国旗下的讲话稿，对学生进行宣传教育，倡导祭祀新风，引导学生通过网上祭祀、鲜花祭祀、植树祭祀等文明健康方式进行祭祀活动，并通过学生向亲属做好宣传。
校团委利用校园广播做了关于“文明祭祀、绿色清明”的宣传和倡导。
4月8日、9日，学校还利用信息课，组织学生开展了“网上祭先烈”活动。组织学生登录中国文明网、央视网、中国未成年人网、中国校外教育网、未来网、中国家庭教网、全国网上家长学校等网站，参与网上祭拜，撰写感言体会。
通过活动的开展，广泛动员并组织学生“做一个有道德的人”，开展网上祭英烈活动，通过编发健康向上的信息，引导人们缅怀先辈，深入进行革命历史和传统教育、理想信念教育、改革开放教育和民族团结教育，引导学生增强爱国之情，树立报国之志，激发广大群众的爱国热情，实现中国梦。
凉水中学
2014年4月9日
英语幽默笑话带翻译
篇五:文明祭祀天堂寄语活动方案word
1、 "Guns Buried in the Garden An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."一个老人独居在北爱尔兰，他的独生子正在坐牢。老人想在花园里种些土豆，但不知道谁可以帮忙把泥土翻松。他写信想儿子提及此事，儿子回信说道：“看在上帝的面上，千万不要翻松花园的泥土，我把枪埋在那儿了。”第二天凌晨4点，一队英国士兵出现在老人家中，在花园把土地翻遍，但并没有找到任何枪支。” 老人写信告诉儿子这件奇怪的事情，问到底发" 生了什么事情，下 一步应 该怎 么 做。 儿子回信 道：“ 你 只管 种土 豆好 了。”
2、 "An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?""Sure. That's easy," said one man."What is it?""H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.""What, what?" reasked the instructor."H to O," explained the chemistry expert.生化战争课的老师在课堂上问士兵们：“谁知道水的分子式？”“当然，太简单了。”一个士兵回答道。“是什么？”“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”“什么，什么？”老师又问道。“H to O，”化学专家解释道。"
3、 "Frog The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."老师正在给学生上生物课：“现在，我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙。”接着，他把手伸进口袋，却拿出了一份鸡肉三文治。老师满脸困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一会儿，说道：“真奇怪。我明明记得我已经把午饭吃掉了。”"
4、 "After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"和盲约对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”"
5、 "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything.""That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说：“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了，保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”“这太巧了，”工程师说，“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了，保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”律师看起来有些困惑，“你是怎么引起洪水的？”他不解的问。"
6、 The Indian Who Could Foretell the Weather Two men were travelling in a very wild and lonely part of America． For days they had not even seen a house， only a few huts made of wood， or tents made of skins． Then one day they met an old Indian who earned his living by trapping animals for heir fur． They found that he knew their language and they had a little conversation with him． One of them asked him if he could tell them what the weather would be like within the next few days． “Oh yes，”he said．“Rain is coming， and wind．Then there will be snow for two days， but after that there will be bright sunshine．” “Is n't that wonderful？” said one man to his friend．“These old Indians know more of the secrets of Nature than we do with all our science． They have not been spoiled by civilization．” Then he turned to the old Indian． “Tell me，”he said，“how you knew all that．” The Indian replied，“I heard it on the radio．”有两个人在美洲一个非 常荒凉偏僻的地区 旅行。 好多 天 来， 他们连所 房子也 没看 到， 只看 见几 个木棚子和皮帐篷。一天，他们遇到一个靠猎取兽皮谋生的印第安老人。他们发现他懂得他们的语言，就和他聊了一会儿。其中一个人问他，能否告知近几天的天气如何。 “哦，行啊”，他说。“就要下雨了，还要刮风。接着还得下两天雪。这以后，就是大晴天了。” “这不是太神奇了吗？”一个旅行者对他的朋友说。“这些印第安老人深知大自然的秘密，比我们有科学知识的人知道的还多。他们并没有被现代文明所迷惑。”接着他转向印第安老人： “请问，”他说，“你是怎么知道这一切的呢？” 印第安老人答道：“我是从无线电里听来的。”
7、 "Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store. "How much are the apples?" he asked the store."Six for five cents." "But I don't want six apples." "How many apples do you want?" "It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic." "What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man."Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay" you."Bill picked out a goo "d apple," began to eat "it," and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.比尔是一个好学生，也是个聪明的孩子。他喜欢学数学，课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。有一天，在上学路上，比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着：“苹果--五美分六个。”比尔脑筋一转，进了店门。 “苹果怎么卖？” “五美分六个。” “但我不想要六个。” “你想要几个？” “这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。” “数学问题？你说这话是什么意思？”“你看，如果六个苹果五美分，那么五个苹果四美分，四个苹果三美分，三个苹果二美分，二个苹果一美分，一个苹果就不要钱。我只要一个苹果，如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话，那我也就没必要给你钱了。”比尔拣了一个好苹果，开始吃了起来，然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊地望着这个小男孩，一句话也说不出来。
8、 "I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldn't resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "That's not bad for a man of my age." Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?"我称赞我的一个同事减肥10磅。可是，我禁不住夸耀说我17岁时，体重225磅，而目前体重是224磅。我还说：“这对我这样年龄的男子来说，是不错的。” 一个女子听到了这些话，她说道：“你是说你花了这么长时间才减了1磅？”"
9、 ""Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”"
10、 "Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”"
11、 My uncle has 1000 men under him.He is really somebody. What does he do?A maintenance man in a cemetery.我叔叔下面有1000个人。他真是一个大人物。干什么的？墓地守墓人。
12、 "A man who sold brooms went into a barber’s shop to get shaved. The barber brought one of his brooms. After he had shaved him, he asked for the price of the brooms.“Two pence,” said the man.“No, no,” said the barber. “I will give you a penny, and if you don’t think that is enough, you may take your broom back!”The man took it and asked what he had to pay his shave.“A penny,” said the barber.“I will give you a half penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again.”一个卖扫帚的人去理发店修面。理发师从他那里买了一把扫帚。当理发师给他修面后，问一下他扫帚的价格。买扫帚的人说：“两个便士。”“不，不。”理发师说：“ 我只出一个便士，如果你认为不够的话，可以把扫帚拿回去。”卖扫帚的人拿回了扫帚，随后问修面要付多少钱。“一便士。”理发师说。卖扫帚的人说：“我给你半个便士，如果不够的话，请把我的胡子还给我。”"
13、 "After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"和盲约对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”"
14、 "When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?""Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."由于我的打印机不能打印出清晰的字来，我就打电话给维修部。电话是一位非常和蔼的男人接的，他说我的打印机也许只是需要清理一下。他还说，如果让维修部清理的话要交50英镑的清理费，让我最好看看使用手册自己试着清理。当时我真的被他的话感动了，就问他：“你们老板知道你这样拒绝生意么？”“事实上，这就是我们老板的主意，”雇员答道：“因为如果我们让用户先自行修理打印机的话就能挣更多的钱。”"
15、 "Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer."You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him. He is listening though."Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?"每个星期天牧师都会把孩子们叫到教堂前面，然后给他们讲一个故事。一天，他为了更好地阐述祈祷的含义，带来了一台电话机。“你们和别人在电话里交谈，并没有看到电话线另一端的人，对吗？”他开始问道。孩子们点头称是。“好的，和上帝交谈就象通过电话交谈一样。他就在另一端，虽然你看不见他，但是他正在聆听你的心声。”就在这时，一个小男孩尖着嗓子问道：“那他的电话号码是什么？”"
16、 "Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today． It works like this, she said. Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poetRobert Burns, for instance. She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns. Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman, a bobby in flames. See? Bobby Burns! I see what you mean, said the class know it all. But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。这个系统是这样的，她说，假定你要记住一个诗人的名字，例如，要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字。她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯，让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。明白吗？警察燃烧！ 我明白你的意思，班上的万事通说，但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢？"
17、 "A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.律师的狗，没有拴而到处闲逛，它来到一家肉店，偷走了一块 烤肉。店主来到律师的办公室，问道“如果一条没栓的狗从我的商店里偷了块肉，我有权利从狗的主人那里要回损失吗？律师答道：“完全可以”，“那你欠我 8.50美元，你的狗没栓而且今天从我的店里头了块肉”，律师什么都没说，马上给他写了一张支票。一些天后，店主打开邮箱，发现一封来自律师的信，信上写 道：咨询费250美元。"
18、 "George Ⅲ asked the once wellknown wit, Horne Tooke,whether he could play cards.Your Majesty, replied Tooke, I am a mere childwhere cards are concerned. I cannot even tell a King from a Knave.乔治三世问一度大名鼎鼎的才子霍恩·图克，会不会玩纸牌。陛下，图克回答说：在玩纸牌方面，我只不过是幼儿园的水平。我甚至分不清国王和无赖。"
19、 "A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.""But ,officer, I ….""I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."大街上的一个超速驾驶者被警察拦住了。“但是警官”这个人说道，“我可以解释的”。“保持安静”，警察突然说道。“我将把你送往监狱，直到长官回来。“但是，警察，我……”。“我说过了保持安静，你要到监狱了。”几小时后，警察向监狱里看了看说道“算你运气好，因为我们的长官正在他女儿的婚礼上。他将带着一个愉快的心情回来的。”“你确定”在牢房里的这个人说道。“我就是新郎呀”。"
20、 "the was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, I'll never make way for a fool. But I will, with that Goethe retreated aside.一次，歌德正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步，碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道：我从来不给傻瓜让路。 可我给，说完歌德退到了一边。"
21、 "Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.律师：你说你离事故现场约有35英尺，你能看清多远的东西？证人：这么说吧，早上起床后我看见太阳，别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。"
22、 "Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year."He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.""No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!""Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."杰克到一所大学去学历史。第一学期结束时，历史课教授没让他及" 格，校让他退学 。然而， 杰克 的 父亲 决定去见 教授， 强 烈要 求让 杰克 继续来年的学业。“他是个好孩子，”杰克的父亲说，“您要是让他这次及格，我相信他明年会有很大进步，学期结束时，他一定会考好的。”“不，不，那不可能，”教授马上回答，“你知道吗？上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的，他都不知道。”“先生，请再给他一次机会吧。”杰克的父亲说，“你不知道，恐怕是因为我们家没有订报纸，我们家的人连拿破仑病了都不知道。”
23、 "A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"Little Johnny then stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来？”她一开始就说。小约翰尼站了起来。“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？”老师问。“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”"
24、 A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.一天，教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷，然后回到讲台前等待。考试结束了，学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票，还有一张纸条写着："一分一块钱。"第二堂课，教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。
25、 "Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴，和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提－－他的身高。或者，我应该说，他是有点矮！一天，经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入，高声说，“有人拿了我的钱包！”我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声，但有人却蹦出一句话：“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊”！"
26、 "A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!"母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道： “你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币！我该怎么办呢？”孩子他爸大声回答道：“再喂他几枚镍币！”"
27、 One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry． “Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon；yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro．” “Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey． In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates．”有一天，一个人在嘲弄法国大小说家亚历山大·仲马，讥笑他的祖先。 那家伙厉声说：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血儿，你父亲是黑白混血儿，而你的祖父是个黑人。” “是的，”仲马大声回敬：“还有呢，如果你想知道的话， 我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其实我的血统起始于你的血统终止的地方。”
28、 "A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.""But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.""Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C.""Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."蒙特利尔咖啡馆的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的水龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”“可是，先生，C代表Chaude，在法语里代表'热'。如果您住在蒙特利尔的话就应该知道这一点。”“等等，”那位顾客咆哮着，“另外一个龙头标的也是C。”“那当然，”经理说道：“这个C代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”"
29、 "As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊？” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么？” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示" 之前， 大伙老被 他绊倒 。”
30、 "A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, “If things just don't work out can we get a porce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!"一对年轻的夫妇在去结婚的路上出了车祸，双双死去了。于是，他们来到了圣徒彼得面前，妻子问是否她还可以和丈夫结婚，圣徒彼得告诉他们，关于这个问题他一有了结果就会回来找他们。差不多30天以后，圣徒彼得回来了，并且告诉他们可以在天堂结婚。妻子又问：“如果生活的不愉快，我们可不可以离婚呢？”圣徒彼得看着她，回答说：“夫人，我花了30天才找到个传教士，难道你真的希望我再去找个律师吗？”"
31、 "On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..." I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, "He's taking attendance."大学的第一天，文学课我坐在了前排。教授告诉我们这学期必须得读五本书，他提供我们可供选择的作者名单。随后他缓步走上讲台，拿出课本，“贝克、布莱克、布鲁斯、卡特、库克…”为了写下所有的名字，我不得不疯狂的作着记录。这时有人轻轻的拍我肩膀，坐在我后面的学生悄悄告诉我：“他在点名呢。”"
32、 "Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."我们大学的校报开办了一个每周一问的专栏。上周的问题是：“你最想要什么人的签名？为什么？”和预计的一样，大部分的回答都是歌星、体育明星或者政治家。但是，最优秀的答案来自一个一年级新生，他说：“在我毕业证上签字的那个人。”"
33、 "My English professor once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother."我们英文课的教授有一次在课上讲“动机”。“是什么推动你在人生的路上向前走？”他问道，“是什么让你每天上学来？又是什么驱使你追求成功？”冲着一个女学生，他问：“是什么让你早晨从床上爬起来的呢？”学生答道：“我妈妈。”"
34、 ""Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied, "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "Well, what sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' " Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."“医生，你能不能告诉我，”鲍勃问，“对于一个看上去很正常的人，你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢？”“再没有比这容易的了，”医生回答，“问他一个简单的问题，简单到所有人都知道答案，如果他回答得不干脆，那你就知道是怎么回事了。”“那要问什么样的问题呢？”“嗯，你可以这样问，‘库克船长环球旅行了三" 次，但是在其中 一次的途 中他 去 世了 ，是哪一 次呢？ ’ ”鲍 勃想 了一 会儿，紧张的回答道，“你就不能问另外一个问题吗？坦率地说，我对历史了解的不是很多。”
35、 "On the day of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif., we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business-management textbooks. Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books. We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the